America = Land of the…Stupid?

 

Daily I am more and more convinced that America is a country of retards. Sometimes I fear I am one of only a few intelligent people left in this country. Yesterday on the highway I was pondering how so many people can suck at driving so badly. Engineers have made it so simple, press one big pedal with your foot and you go forward, press the other and you slow down. Turn the big ass wheel in front of you and you turn left to right? How can so many people completely fuck it up?

 

While wondering this I looked at the person riding my ass down the highway in my passenger side mirror and noticed more evidence of the stupidity of my fellow Americans. Etched on the glass were the words “Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear”. No shit.

 

We have coffee cups that say “Caution…Hot” on the outside, signs that tell you the obviously soaking wet floor in front of you is wet, and hairdryers with huge labels saying not to use them while submerged in water. As I write this I’m preparing my supper and just realized my can of non-stick cooking spray says in bold on the back “Do Not Spray in Eyes”.

 

How can it be that everyone is so fucking stupid? The entire world we live in has been tailored to provide the absolutely safest, most brain numbing experience possible, requiring no thought to go about our day to day tasks safely. Yet somehow people still do stupid shit. People haul ass out of a stop sign just to slam their brakes on at the next one. People burn themselves on items that have bright red signs that say HOT. I hate to think what the world would be like without all the great warnings and signs that have been provided.

 

Then again, what if it was all of this overcautious signage and obvious warnings that made people so stupid in the first place? What if as danger and risk was slowly eliminated from people’s day to day lives they just became that much stupider.

 

Nissan recently announced a new feature that will be on their cars, the “Eco-Pedal”. Basically the gas pedal has force feedback and if the car computer think you are accelerating too quickly given the driving conditions it senses, it pushes back, thus limiting your acceleration. Apparently Nissan has noticed the stupidity of Americans as well. We like to buy big SUV’s, haul ass all around town in them, and then complain about getting 10 MPG. Nissan claims the Eco-Pedal will help teach people correct driving habits to consume less fuel and drive more safely. What the fuck! People are so damn stupid their cars are now going to have to help them learn to drive?

 

As stupid as people are these days I’m surprised we are even allowed to drive. If I were president I would sign a bill tomorrow stating all stupid ass warnings and labels like the “Caution…Hot” label be removed immediately. After a few year of mass chaos and two thirds of the U.S. population died from their own stupid mistakes I would then start over with the remaining third of intelligent people, creating a world where people actually used their brains for something other than holding water (the brain is made up of mostly water for the stupid crowd out there).

You Are What You Drive

 

I recently read an article stating that these days, 9 out of 10 women would find a man more interesting who drove the latest “environmentally friendly” car than the latest sports car. As they say, 95% of statistics are made up on the spot so who knows where their 9 out of 10 stat came from. The point remains however that apparently these days it is cooler to drive a “green” car than a fast and sporty one.

 

Now, I’m sure there are plenty of people, especially women, who will say it doesn’t matter what a person drives, that it doesn’t reflect who they are. Well, I am here to tell you that is BS. And honestly I think anyone who says otherwise knows deep down it is BS as well. The last person I heard claiming what you drive doesn’t matter was a woman whose husband was getting picked on at work for driving a Kia SUV. Point made.

 

The truth is, you are what you drive. American’s today express themselves through their vehicles, it is probably the second most expensive thing you own (next to a house) and you can take it places with you. Why wouldn’t it be an expression of who you are? Not only that, but you pick it out. Out of hundreds of available cars, you picked one, and that says a lot about who you are.

 

With that said, do you want to be the guy with the new “green” car? What does that say about you? Basically you care more about making a difference and trying to save the environment than you do about style, speed, and appearance. Now there is nothing wrong with caring about the environment, but as a guy that shouldn’t take priority over having a nice ride.

 

It depresses me when I hear guys talk about the new SUV they got because they needed room to haul their crap around, or because they liked the roomy interior; or when a guy chooses the sedan over the coupe because he wants to have room for other people. When I got my sports car I showed it to all my friends. Almost all of them would sit in the drivers seat and say something to the extent of “wow, this must be a blast to drive”, or “I wish I had one of these”. I wanted to yell at them, “Well buy one then!”. Each had his own excuse or reason though for driving his SUV or 4-door car. Typical excuses like I mentioned before. Perhaps there is a perceived notion that sports cars are too expensive for the average person. Nothing is further from the truth. Almost always for the price someone paid for their brand new SUV or sedan they could have gotten a year or two old sports car for cheaper.

 

Life is too short to drive slow, ugly, or generally un-fun cars. A car says a lot about who you are, make sure yours is saying what you want it to. If 9 out of 10 girls care more about “environmentally friendly” cars than sports cars then I would rather meet the 1 out of 10 girl, and if I had the chance I’d tell the guys who are picking up the other 9 girls, “Don’t be a pansy”.

How to Drive a Stick Shift

 

I am sure there are countless articles and instructions online about how to drive a manual transmission car, but I am going to share a secret that will guarantee you can drive one, no matter what.

Why do you need to know in the first place? After all, most cars on the road today are automatics, you may even own an auto and never see yourself driving a stick. Without going into why I prefer manual transmissions, let me present a little scenario.

You are out on the weekend with your buddy and some ladies. Things are going well when out of nowhere your buddy gets sick as hell, one too many Jager bombs perhaps. It’s definitely time to go so you carry him out to his car. After situating him in the backseat and loading up the girls you climb into his car ready to drive off, only to discover it is a stick shift! As a man reading this you should already feel some sweat bullets forming. You realize you only have one option, to ask if one of the girls knows how to drive the car. If you are fortunate neither one will and you can at least save some of your ego, most likely though one of those ladies will have learned to drive on their parent’s old Volvo or something and will step in and save the day, leaving you looking like a big pansy holding your buddy’s head up in the back seat.

As a man you should know how to operate virtually any type of machinery, and definitely something as common as a stick shift car.

 

With that said, lets get started.

 

Driving a manual is not difficult, in fact, if you understand how it works you should be able to teach yourself in no time. When I bought my first car my dad let me drive it around a parking lot to get a feel for it. After that, I drove it over 10 miles home. The next day I drove to town with my two brothers. I had never touched a stick shift before that.

 

When you first get in the car you will notice three pedals, from left to right they are the clutch, brake, and gas. To start the car all you have to do differently is fully press the clutch while you crank it. Easy.

Next, shift to first gear. To do this simply push the shift lever all the way to the left and then up. Actually most gear shifters have the locations of the gears marked on the top, so it is simple.

Now it is time for the secret. Most people, when teaching others to drive a manual, will tell you that now you should slowly start releasing the clutch while simultaneously pressing down gradually on the gas. And, like most people, if you follow this advice you will immediately stall the car.

 

What happens is the car isn’t producing enough power to overcome its own weight and it gives up, it stalls. The secret is simple, don’t try and simultaneously do anything. Rev the car up to 2500, or even 3000 rpms and keep it there. Then you can start slowly releasing the clutch. This ensures the vehicle is making enough power to get started and will not stall. The key is: when in doubt, give it more gas.

 

Now I can already hear the experienced manual drivers cringing, isn’t this bad for the car and clutch? Well, first of all, if you already know how to drive a stick why are you reading this article? Seriously though, this article is meant to give the average guy the emergency knowledge necessary to keep from looking like a total wuss if the need ever arises to drive a stick.

 

If you can remember to always rev up the engine first you will be guaranteed to get to your location. You may look like somewhat of a novice but you won’t be stuck stalling in the parking lot while the young lady in the passenger seat is thinking, “don’t be such a pansy”.