Cocksucker. A word of many uses.

I am currently re-watching the HBO series Deadwood. If you aren’t familiar with the show I urge you to check it out. It is a Western drama with more swearing and foul language than you would hear in 5 hours of a porno.

Anyway, one of the most used obscene words from the show is the word “Cocksucker”. After watching the series for the second time I have realized this valuable word is, unfortunately, rarely used these days. Typically one might refer to someone as a “bastard”, perhaps a “son of a bitch”, maybe even a “mother fucker”. But rarely if ever do you hear someone call someone else a “cocksucker”.

Lets think about this word. Of course the obvious connotation is a homosexual performing oral sex which is of course demeaning to any real man. But in the same way “mother fucker” does not only apply to someone who fucks another person’s mother, the word “cocksucker” does not only apply to a gay dude sucking a dick. Cocksucker in a way is the most offensive word one could imagine to call another man. In a way it wraps up the best of “mother fucker”, “bastard”, “son of a bitch”, and “douche bag”. It takes these four words, couples them with disgusting suggestions of homosexual oral sex, and then offers them all in one simple, easy to use word; “cocksucker”.

I encourage you to use this word more often. Unlike other names you can call someone, “cocksucker” gets your point across straight and clear. No one will question your seriousness. If, for example, you get out of your car holding a baseball bat after being hit by another driver and yell “Get your ass over here you cocksucker”, no one is going to question your motive.

I have made it a personal goal to use this valuable, simple word more often in my daily language. I encourage you to do the same.

 

Be who women don’t want you to be, and Succeed

The other day I found this article on the front page of Yahoo. The title of the article is “Four Guys You Think You Should Date…but Shouldn’t!”. What the dumb bitch who wrote this shit doesn’t know is she is providing the formula all guys should follow.

First off when it comes to your personality and attracting women the last thing you should do is seek a woman’s advice in the first place. They don’t know what they want so how could they assist you in providing it? The article was written by “Cosmopolitan”, whoever the fuck that is. I find it hilarious imagining the dumb blonde bitch who wrote this and then all the equally dumb bitches reading it and wondering; “Four types of guys I should avoid, awesome! But wait…1, 2, 3, 4…there aren’t any other types of guys!”.

The fact is if you want to know exactly how you should act to attract women and retain them then you should aim to be a combination of the 4 types of men this article discusses.

Chump #1: The Workaholic Hotshot

Basically this guy works hard for a living and then likes to take it easy and party in the evenings. Apparently having money and taking your job seriously aren’t characteristics women look for in men these days. Yeah right.

Chump #2: The Adrenaline Junkie

Apparently this type of guy is into extreme sports, likes working out, and generally seeks to have a good time. Oh yeah, I forgot women these days are lazy as hell and just like to sit on their asses. This has been proven since, thanks to women alone, the Wii Fit is outselling Grand Theft Auto IV. Why a woman wouldn’t want a guy with, as the article says, “sick abs and chiseled arms” is beyond me.

Chump #3: The Nice Guy With a Chip on His Shoulder

This type of guy will “ridicule the ‘tools who are trying too hard’” while sitting in a bar. This one is complete bullshit. One night at a bar just to have some fun me and a buddy went and sat right in between some douche bags and some chicks they were hitting on. We then proceeded to make fun of the douche bags we had just cock blocked…with the chicks! They ate it up. The name of this guy is misleading, you should by no means be a “nice guy”. But if being a nice guy means calling out some tools then by all means, be as nice as you can be.

Chump #4: The Smooth Operator

The Smooth Operator “rolls up to the club in an Escalade” and “scores women with entertaining small talk”. Oh, I forgot again, women don’t like nice cars and they especially don’t like small talk. Give me a fucking break. I bet every guy on earth wishes girls didn’t like small talk but unfortunately they like it probably more than sex. Apparently this type of guy also has “too much confidence” and will “shower you with attention”. Find me a girl that doesn’t like a confident guy that showers her with attention and I will find you a hard ass that drives a Kia.

After naming off the four types of guys women should avoid I wonder what type of guy the author is actually looking for? Lets try and craft the “ideal guy” using these guidelines and see what we come up with.

Quality Guy #1: The Lazy Ass Poor Guy

This guy is always dressed like shit because he doesn’t have a red cent to his name. Couple that with his lack of work ethic and 80% unemployment for the year and you have a guy who will stick with you just to have a hot meal. Keep this one ladies.

Quality Guy #2: The Pussy

This dude is scared of basically everything worthy of a nutsack that there is to do. Skydiving? Forget it. He would rather sit around and massage your feet. With no testosterone whatsoever this guy will wait on you hand and foot and will have all the time in the world to go shopping and watch re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy.

Quality Guy #3: The Accepting Humble Douche

He’ll congratulate people on their near successes and cheer you on when you beat him at his favorite game. Getting along with others is never a problem because this type of guy loves everyone. Usually found wearing tye-dye shirts and drinking Guiness this man will avoid conflict at all costs and has no problem letting you flirt with other guys.

Quality Guy #4: The Social Butterfly

He’s the type that rolls up to the club in a Kia Sofia and drinks Cosmo’s with you all night long. Forget confidence. Who needs confidence with smooth dance moves and tight pants? This guy will go out with you and your girlfriends and have a blast. Just keep him away from the wine coolers!

If you want to be a man that women can’t resist, take that article and strive to be a combination of the “Four Guys Bitches Think You Shouldn’t Date…But Do Anyway and Love It”.

 

 

Thank God for the Wii Fit

I recently saw this article which states that the Wii Fit will soon outsell Grand Theft Auto IV. In most cases I would be pissed that a game which involves absolutely no sex, drugs, or murder would outsell one of the greatest and most bad ass games of all time. I would also typically go into a rant about how this is a sign of the times that a simple fitness game would outsell a game tailored to non-pansy guys.

But in this case, I am overjoyed. Let me explain.

In case you haven’t noticed, women are possibly the laziest group of people on our planet, at least in this country. It seems like it is socially accepted that women will gain like 50 lbs. as soon as they get married and maintain or increase their weight from then on. And don’t even start on all the fat as hell girls who haven’t even graduated high school yet.

If you read the article, Nintendo admits that their overwhelming sales of the Wii Fit are due to…you guessed it, women. Thank God for Nintendo. It’s almost as if some early twenties Japanese programmers felt sorry for us guys over here and created a fun way for bitches in America to lose weight. Nintendo understands our plight; read the third paragraph of the article: “Nintendo realized that there was an untapped audience of ‘women and moms’”. Notice the “women AND moms” in quotes, even Nintendo realizes our female weight problem. They don’t even consider American moms as women because they are so out of shape and flabby.

I love the quote from some pussy stating that “Every edition of GTA has aroused complaints over its portrayal of women”. Maybe it was GTA’s portrayal of women that helped motivate all these fat hoes to lose weight with a Wii Fit in the first place. They see us smacking around some skinny hot stripper on the game and think, “Wow, if he treats that hot girl like that imagine what he thinks about my tubby ass!”.

This is one case where I’m fine with a simple fun game outselling a GTA title. In fact,I hope the Wii Fit outsells GTA IV by 500% or more! Maybe the Grand Theft Auto series disrespecting women coupled with the fun of the Wii Fit will drive a female fitness revolution and guys can once again walk outside without worrying about being barraged by fat tubs of goo.

The Missing Link: Responsibility

 

What ever happened to taking responsibility for your actions? I was taught growing up that if you did something wrong or made a mistake, you took the blame yourself. Blaming others or making excuses is for the weak and is not only dishonest to those you hurt, but in the end it is being dishonest with yourself. Apparently I had some of the only intelligent parents around at that time.

 

I flipped on the TV to watch while I ate supper. There was a show on TLC called “Too Young To Be So Fat”, it was about of extremely fat kids trying to lose weight. One girl was 13 and weighed like 350 pounds! She wanted to get liposuction because she claimed “diets just don’t work for me”. She said she had tried but basically just couldn’t stop eating. When she went to the doctor they said she was too unhealthy to undergo the procedure and would have to lose some weight first. In tears her and her mom left the doctor’s office. Oh my God, I have to lose some weight on my own before you will suck it out of me while I’m sleeping?

 

Afterwards the girl started questioning why God had made her fat, and her mom said she didn’t think it was the little girl’s fault, and she didn’t think it was her own fault; it was just one of those things. The very next scene was the mom preparing a healthy meal of steak and salad. As soon as the fat little girl sat down she exclaimed “I’ve never had a meal like this”, and then bitched about eating tomatoes and the other healthy stuff.

 

So it’s not the mom’s fault yet she has never prepared a healthy meal for the girl before then? What the fuck? And of course it isn’t the girl’s fault because she can’t stop stuffing her pie hole. There are all sorts of new “studies” being published all the time about how obesity can affect one in X number of people and all this horse shit, like obesity is some airborne pathogen. “Oh my God, don’t go near that fat guy you might catch obesity!”.

 

What ever happened to taking responsibility for your own actions? I’m fat because I eat too much. No, I’m fat because I was born with a gene that makes me that way and it isn’t my fault, you should feel sorry for me. Fuck that. It’s the same line of logic every where you look. People who hack up their family with an ax aren’t evil people anymore; they have psychological problems stemming from their youth or are born with an aggressive nature. People who want to fuck the same sex aren’t weird, they were born that way and it is totally normal, it’s not just some weird fetish they want to enjoy.

 

Why can’t anyone admit they fucked up or are fucked up? Where does this politically correct bullshit end? There are cop outs for everything in the book now. Next time I don’t feel like going in to work I’m going to tell them I have a disability and I have trouble working for a month straight and have to take a paid week off every 30 days. Or maybe next time I’m at the gym and can’t lift enough I’ll start shooting up steroids because I have a genetic limitation and can’t get stronger.

 

During his early days of bodybuilding Arnold Schwarzenegger had extremely small calves, so small in fact that most of his early photo shoots where done of him standing up to his knees in water, or standing behind something. Some people are genetically gifted and have naturally large calves and others can’t seem to get them to grow no matter how hard they worked out. Arnold was one of the later. Did Arnold give up? Did he blame his genes and say fuck it? Hell no. Arnold began training his calves with insane intensity. He would load up a calf raise machine, and then have people climb on his back and stand on the machine to add even more weight. He even cut off the legs of all his gym pants so his calves would be on constant display, reminding him of his goal. The result? He showed up at the next competition with amazing calves. People would come up to him and actually compliment him on just his calves alone. Arnold didn’t take the easy way out and expect others to sympathize; he took action and didn’t let his genetic limitations slow him down.

 

Take some responsibility for your actions, or inactions in some cases. If you are such a pansy you have to blame the one thing you have no control over, something you were born with, then all I have to say is shut the fuck up.

America = Land of the…Stupid?

 

Daily I am more and more convinced that America is a country of retards. Sometimes I fear I am one of only a few intelligent people left in this country. Yesterday on the highway I was pondering how so many people can suck at driving so badly. Engineers have made it so simple, press one big pedal with your foot and you go forward, press the other and you slow down. Turn the big ass wheel in front of you and you turn left to right? How can so many people completely fuck it up?

 

While wondering this I looked at the person riding my ass down the highway in my passenger side mirror and noticed more evidence of the stupidity of my fellow Americans. Etched on the glass were the words “Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear”. No shit.

 

We have coffee cups that say “Caution…Hot” on the outside, signs that tell you the obviously soaking wet floor in front of you is wet, and hairdryers with huge labels saying not to use them while submerged in water. As I write this I’m preparing my supper and just realized my can of non-stick cooking spray says in bold on the back “Do Not Spray in Eyes”.

 

How can it be that everyone is so fucking stupid? The entire world we live in has been tailored to provide the absolutely safest, most brain numbing experience possible, requiring no thought to go about our day to day tasks safely. Yet somehow people still do stupid shit. People haul ass out of a stop sign just to slam their brakes on at the next one. People burn themselves on items that have bright red signs that say HOT. I hate to think what the world would be like without all the great warnings and signs that have been provided.

 

Then again, what if it was all of this overcautious signage and obvious warnings that made people so stupid in the first place? What if as danger and risk was slowly eliminated from people’s day to day lives they just became that much stupider.

 

Nissan recently announced a new feature that will be on their cars, the “Eco-Pedal”. Basically the gas pedal has force feedback and if the car computer think you are accelerating too quickly given the driving conditions it senses, it pushes back, thus limiting your acceleration. Apparently Nissan has noticed the stupidity of Americans as well. We like to buy big SUV’s, haul ass all around town in them, and then complain about getting 10 MPG. Nissan claims the Eco-Pedal will help teach people correct driving habits to consume less fuel and drive more safely. What the fuck! People are so damn stupid their cars are now going to have to help them learn to drive?

 

As stupid as people are these days I’m surprised we are even allowed to drive. If I were president I would sign a bill tomorrow stating all stupid ass warnings and labels like the “Caution…Hot” label be removed immediately. After a few year of mass chaos and two thirds of the U.S. population died from their own stupid mistakes I would then start over with the remaining third of intelligent people, creating a world where people actually used their brains for something other than holding water (the brain is made up of mostly water for the stupid crowd out there).